On Wednesday morning, I had a doctors appointment with my mom. My last doctor left, again, so I had to have a completely new one and go through everything, again. But stupidly, they gave me a junior doctor so my case was too complex for her to deal with! We went to discuss my anti-depressant tablets as they’re having no effect on my obviously. But because she is a junior doctor, she couldn’t make any changes to my medication or do anything else. She went and spoke to a proper doctor who said to refer me to the Psych Liaison team and weigh me. So I had to be weighed and thankfully this doctor didn’t tell me. Phew.
She did a good job with dealing with everything though and speaking to me. She was a lovely person. So she said that she was referring me to the Psych Liaison team so they can give me an assessment and all about my tablets etc. Funny that because this is the same team who told me a few months ago that I didn’t need their help because how I was feeling and my depression is all down to my eating. So they said they were not taking me on. And now look where I am, back to them. Proves what they know, they obviously didn’t take what I was telling them seriously. I told them everything last time and they turned me away. Would my mental health be better at this moment in time if they had took me on? There is such limited help around and it is a joke! It needs to change!
Recently my hair has began to fall out again. I have noticed that it has started since I have been really really really stressed again and since I have been feeling even more depressed. My hair would fall out an awful lot when I was underweight but it got better when I got healthy again. But now it’s started again! So I had to have a blood test to see if it is anything to do with my liver.
The joys of doctors aye?
I am now signed up to become a fitness instructor.
Well this is the start of my career. I am officially signed up to train to become a Les Mills fitness instructor. I can’t believe I have finally done it. I have been putting it off for a while now out of fear but this morning I took the final step and did it. Exercise is now a huge part of my life. When I was really ill i was exercising at every chance I could get. It is still something I struggle with now as I have to exercise everyday but it is getting easier. It has now turned into a passion and since I joined the gym last year, I decided it is what I want to do for my career. I have had to pay a HUGE amount of money but this is going to help change my life. One thing it will teach me is how much exercise is actually enough. ED tries to use exercise as a punishment for me but this is me fighting against him, using it for good. It is going to be a lot of work as it is not just practical but there is over 40 hours of theoretical work. So it is going to be stressful and difficult but I am determined to do it. For once I actually feel proud of something that I have done.
Eating DIsorder Awareness Week 2013.
This week in then UK it is Eating Disorder Awareness Week and to help raise awareness and to try and help end the stigma that surrounds eating disorders, my friend and fellow recovery ninja Amy has created a video staring myself and other ninjas, explaining the truth behind eating disorders. Amy has done an incredible job and it would mean the world if you could reblog this and share it wherever you can. We can beat eating disorders!
How are you all doing? Any questions?
Last shift at work.
On Thursday night, I had my last shift at work. I worked 5-10. That shift was like torture. I was sitting there just waiting until it was time for me to leave so I could be free. My mom came in shopping and I just wanted to break down as I still had three more hours and wanted to leave as it was driving me mad. It was going so slow as it was my last shift. My mom wanted to help so badly it there was nothing she could do. To make things worse i had a customer make a disgusting comment. She asked if I had any scissors to cut some tape and I said “no as we’re not allowed to keep scissors on the till.” Her reply? “Why, are they afraid you might cut your wrists? (actions and laughed)”. I was fuming. I wanted to leap over that checkout and thump her right in the face. How dare she make such a disgusting “joke” like that when she has no idea what goes on in people’s lives. As I have said before, I cut a few times when I was I’ll but managed to avoid getting obsessed with it but I still rip the skin from around my nails which is also a form of self harm. I started having a panic attack and was so wanting to swear and shout at her. I almost called someone to come and take me off the till as I didn’t want to serve her. Disgusting human. As soon as someone came to take me off the till at 10pm, I was so relieved. I got home and just wanted to cry. I walked into the living room and threw my hands up in the air and shouted I’m free! I a, so glad that I don’t have to work there anymore. The problem now is challenging myself to do more things in recovery such as getting out of the house more. It is so hard for me to do it. Ergh.
Therapy this morning.
I had such a great session this morning. I was feeling much better about going this week after how much of a mess I was last week due to the situation with my job. But I was ready for it today.
One thing we spoke about was the relationship I have with my sister. She is my best friend and I need her but she also has her own life to be living. I want to feel that I can go to her more and that I can have more hugs. I know that if I go to her to talk about Ed that she won’t always know what to say but just to know that she’s comfortable to listen would be brilliant. I need constant reassurance that she doesn’t hate me as with me, if I do the slightest thing, I automatically think I am hated. Every time I shout or get upset I feel that she hates me. I know it is all in my head but that’s how I feel. So me and my therapist Sonja talked about how I can improve on this, I said I can talk to her more. I need to tell her what I want. So when I got home, I built up the courage to go to my sister and tell her all of this, I told her that she can come to me whenever she needs me and I hope I can do the same to her and have more hugs. And that it’s okay if she doesn’t know what to say but if she could just listen to my problems. I feel so much better now I’ve spoken to her.
The second thing we spoke about is how Ed stops me from doing things that I enjoy and even need to do. For example, I get so tired but Ed won’t let me go for a nap as it will mean that I am not moving so I will gain weight. Lies. And how he stops me from doing things such as knitting or reading because they are things I like to do and that is not allowed apparently so he brings my anxiety right up. Why should he have the right to do that? So to help with my times of anxiety and to generally make me feel better about myself, Sonja tried an exercise with me. I had to imagine a time where I felt great and confident. I imagined how great I felt on my 18th birthday at my meal. I had to associate words with that feeling and just embrace how I felt. Beautiful. Confident. Happy. Proud. I had to hold onto that feeling and just breathe and close my eyes. It made me feel so relaxed and great, like I could do anything I wanted. So I need to practice doing it at the times I feel low. It made me feel so good so I am determined.
One thing that has been horrible over the past few weeks is my sleep. It has been terrible, I have been waking up several times during the night because of panic attacks in my sleep. I wake up covered in sweat but can’t uncover myself as for some reason I am freezing cold, and my heart is beating rapidly. It is horrible and has gotten to the point where I am scared to go to sleep. So Sonja said that to calm me before I sleep, I shall do the exercise again. This is the safe haven exercise so this time I had to imagine a place where I felt safe. Imaginary or not. Yes mines cheesy and so unreal but I imagined being in the woods at night, a cottage, pretty lights and stars all around, fairies and butterflies surrounding me dancing around a fire, calming music playing. It was beautiful. I again had to associate words I felt with it. Freedom. Happiness. Peace. Calmness. I had to hold onto the warm and fuzzy feeling I felt within my heart and just kept focusing on that. I felt amazing. So calm and relaxed. I have to do that every night before I sleep. I really am going to try with everything we worked on. I need to let myself enjoy what I used to. Ed shouldn’t rule me.
Me yesterday. I was tidying my room listening to One Directions album and Little Things came on. It is such a beautiful song and is what every girl wants to hear. The lyrics are perfect. It made me feel so great and okay with who I am now. So again, lets capture the moment!
My B-EAT t-shirt! B-EAT are the UK’s leading eating disorder charity and are such an amazing charity. I ordered my t-shirt the day they were released! It is now my favourite t-shirt and I wear it proudly to the gym! POW!
I had a moment of body confidence during a yoga session the other week. Why not capture it?
Hi guys. I’ve had a few new things in terms of food while I’ve been off here the past few weeks, so I thought I’d share it all with you.
One thing I have loved since I was a child is the tinned childrens pasta shapes. Yes they’re food kids but they are so yummy, healthy and you are never too old! Ask my sister and her boyfriend haha! So the other week I wanted to have some for my tea. But there was one problem. I used to have them a lot when I was ill before I got help for my food, so it just bough back a bunch of bad memories from that time. I was scared to have them but after a bit of debating in my head I went and bought them. I decided I would have them with my veg but also try some different chicken to my usual which is also a big thing. So I got some cook from frozen sliced chicken breast. I usually have my cold, sliced flavoured chicken breast but pushed myself to this. So I cooked it, plated it and instantly felt horrible. It looked like so much on my plate because of the chicken but I had to eat it. So I did. And I was disappointed., I loved the veg as usual and I loved having the pasta again. However the chicken ruined the meal for me. I was slimy, stank and was just plain gross. Because I didn’t like that, I didn’t enjoy the meal. Next time I am having my usual chicken.
The other week on my late shift at work, I decided to have something different to my usual cous cous and quorn chicken style pieces. I wanted to have a packet of my favourite rice since I was a child with some tuna chunks. I can remember being a child and having Batchelors Golden Savory rice or Batchelors Golden Chicken rice at my Nanny Bet’s and Grandad Roy’s. It brings back so many happy memories and I miss being able to go to my grandparents for tea. It is the best rice in the world. The challenge though was allowing myself to eat a whole packet of rice. But I did it! Woop! And it was a lovely combination. Tuna and rice. I would’ve preferred being able to eat it freshly cooked with all of the juices from the rice as it had obviously gone cold and had become dry, but it didn’t stop me from enjoying it.
A fear food of mine is ready meals. Ready meals such as pasta meals, pie meals, noodle meals. Ready meals. When I came out of therapy with my mom last Tuesday, we were discussing my food and she said how my amazing therapist Sonja said that only I can change my food and what I eat. No one can do it for me. So I thought there and then ‘fuck you Ed. I’m having a ready meal tomorrow!’ I told my mom and she was happy. So I went and got myself a ready meal for Wednesday. I chose a Chargrilled Chicken Tagliatelle meal to go with my veg. So that’s two fear foods in one! A ready meal and WHITE pasta. I usually only allow wholewheat. But I got it. Another thing I was proud of is the fact that it wasn’t a diet meal from a diet company such as Weight Watchers but was still healthy. It wasn’t unhealthy food that had been changed in many different ways in order to make it healthy, it was just naturally healthy. I ate it and did enjoy it. I don’t think I enjoyed it as much as my favourite meals that I have all of the time now (my flavoured chicken and veg with either a jacket potato or cottage cheese) because I am used to drier fresher foods. But it was nice and if I want a ready meal every now and again then I can let myself!
I wanted to try something completely new the other day and one thing I thought I had to try was fish. The only fish I eat is tuna (although I do like prawns and crab meat). I used to eat fish when I was little, such as fish fingers, breaded fish, fish in batter etc but I was probably around 10 years old when I suddenly went off it. It started with seeing the scales of the fish underneath the breadcrumbs of my fish singers. Haha what a random thing. From then on everything about fish grossed me out. The taste, smell, texture, sight…EVERYTHING! I hadn’t eaten any fish since then until I began to see my nutritionist at the beginning of my recovery who told me to try tuna, which then lead to me trying prawns and crab. I saw that the supermarket had some new flavoured cod fillets available so as soon as I saw them I told myself “I’m having them!” I decided to try something else “new” and wanted to have it with baked beans. I haven’t had them in a few years as again it was something that I used to eat when I was ill and early in recovery so I have avoided them since. But I really wanted them again so I did. When it comes to challenging myself with food in recovery, it is more that just about eating my “fear foods” which is see as “unhealthy”. It is also simply about just trying to challenge myself to eat something simply different as that is so scary for me. And this was one of those time. I started cooking the meal and instantly smelt the fish and started to feel sick. I plated it up and wasn’t liking the fact I was about to eat it. I ate it but didn’t enjoy it. I was focusing on the fact that it was fish and kept thinking about all of the things that gross me out about it so I was just thinking “yuck yuck yuck!” I don’t think I will be having that meal again. I enjoyed the beans and veg but the fish? No. I felt so sick after eating the fish just because of the thought of it. But the positive thing was that I had tried something new, You have to if you want to recover.